Destruction Testimonials

Porn brings destruction on the viewer and his or her family.   We share these stories from the emails we have received over the years.  They can be depressing, so be sure to visit our Freedom Stories page to remind yourself that there is hope.  These stories are published with the permission of the senders.

 

12/3/2016:  This is an article by Helen Casey:

Porn Is Bad For Pornstars, Too

When we think about the problems with porn, we tend to think about the problems it brings for the user and the people around them. And these issues should certainly not be underplayed – porn use truly can mess up the brain and devastate lives. However, it’s also often very damaging for the pornstars themselves. We often don’t think about the impact of porn on their lives. While we may not have much respect for pornstars, there is a general feeling that they have chosen their paths, and are getting paid, so therefore cannot be suffering particularly. This is an erroneous view. The porn business is a miserable one, which exploits and damages those involved in it horrendously.

Manipulation And Mental Illness

Ostensibly, everything in the ‘legitimate’ porn industry is perfectly above board and consensual. Actors enter into scenes of their own free will, and contracts are set in place to protect the interests and health of all parties involved. In fact, there’s an awful lot of dodgy dealing within the porn industry, which often leads to actors being manipulated into doing things they really don’t want to do. Porn producers often seek out people in desperate situations – financially struggling, mentally problematic, people, often sex addicts, who are ripe for exploitation. They promise easy money, and a kind of stardom – something many depressed and desperate people leap for.  The reality, however, is far from fabulous. The respect afforded to actors – particularly female actors – by porn producers is minimal at best, and many women are subject to horrendous psychological abuse aimed at breaking their spirits to the point where they believe that porn is all they’re good for. Swiftly, their barriers and ‘red lines’ are destroyed via psychological manipulation, leading to them going far further than they ever intended to, and engaging in practices which they themselves find disturbing. Unsurprisingly, mental health problems, if not already established, crop up pretty swiftly. Insiders paint a picture of porn shoots punctuated by incidents of violence, drug taking, and self-harm, all influenced by the toxic emotional states imbued by the industry. Sadly, incidences of suicide are high within the pornstar community.

Violence And Coercion

Last year, pornstar James Deen came under attack from a number of porn actors who claimed that he had raped them. The volume and vehemence of the complaints, alongside testimonials from those who have worked with Deen and seen his modus operandi, or been warned against working with him, suggest that the tales were true. Of course, the media and public immediately began questioning whether or not it is possible to rape a pornstar – something, incidentally, about which the law is in no doubt (where consent is lacking, sex is a crime – whatever the profession of the victim). The industry made strenuous efforts to distance itself from Deen and his actions, but the story revealed a very sordid side of porn. While we may realize that there is a good deal of manipulation involved in getting the actors to perform the scenes that they do, we tend to believe that their actions are at least consensual. Ex pornstars, however, encouraged by the outcry against Deen, revealed a very different story. Actors are routinely threatened with job loss, or blackmail, or even violence if they do not comply with the wishes of their producers. Many are contractually ‘obliged’ to have sex with industry executives, whether they want to or not. Refusal to do so would lead to job loss. Furthermore, the highly sexualised atmosphere of the porn world, and the normalization of profoundly abnormal practices (such as violent and forced sex) means that many pornstars are abused as a matter of course both on and off set. Problematically, their status as sex workers means that many pornstars are seen as ‘fair game’ by opportunist abusers, and find it very hard indeed to bring accusations of abuse given that their jobs often involve the simulation of sexual abuse. It’s a sad, sad situation.

Don’t Encourage This Industry

If, therefore, you are looking for a reason to stop using porn – consider the fact that watching porn supports a violent, abusive, and deeply inhuman industry, which routinely destroys the health (both mental and physical) of its workers. By giving up porn, you are sending a powerful message that you will not stand for such abominable behavior.

5/16/2015: Right now I’m living a happy life free from the sexual addiction I had, and I want to say how my life was before this moment.
I really don’t know when my sexual problems started. We had a house maid who lived in our home which cleaned and cooked for the family and went out every two weekends to her town. I don’t remember my age but probably around 6 or 7 when I started going to her room and she would let me in and close the door on us. She would get me naked and she would touch my private parts and it would feel good, she would get partially naked and made me do some slight things on her… I liked when she touched me and started seeking it from time to time, every time climbing a little more on the touches and time we took; although I didn’t quite understood why it was wrong I knew it had to be a secret that my parents, or anyone, couldn’t know about. Sometimes after it happened I went to spit out in the garden because I felt it left me with a foul taste, I suppose now maybe it was some sort of guilt. When I was ten I went one time after school again to her room like the other times… I felt sick about it, had enough and went out. I became really distressed because I had no idea what this thing was and what just happened because I felt guilty and gross and bad about it, and since that time I stopped going to seek her to her room and that’s when my other problems started.
Time passed and I started to want these “nice” feelings again and started to stay a little late at night to watch “adult shows” with some nudity. I had a terrible fear of being discovered but just wanted to keep seeing. Raised as a catholic I realized it was bad but wouldn’t do anything about it. Then at 11 it got worse, and I not only just waited at night for these shows but discovered the internet. At first I saw just images but they would then get more hardcore I and started seeking more, more explicit images. I discovered internet sites with sexual videos, I waited for pornographic channels in the tv which where pay per view but offered a 5 minutes preview between shows. It started really affecting my life. I would confess it to the father but never the whole truth, I started lying and covering myself. At 12 I started to do it almost daily and started seeing the women around me as sources for my sex needs… Every time I did it I felt really sick and sad with myself afterwards and felt I had really hurt Jesus but I had no one to talk to about this and couldn’t get out. With thirteen years I was the worst. I thought about sexual things almost every day with girls I knew, like cousins, girls from school, or just watched porn and masturbated sometimes even three times a day… I would try to stop but after 3 days I would fall again…I would often lie, not do my homework, be very selfish and angry, and would feel very easily accused or offended when someone made a comment about me, I also gained weight notably, since my problems started. At this same time luckily I started attending a catholic club for young boys which fomented sports, and other activities and offered a catholic formation, and I started to feel good about being able to talk to someone about my problems, a priest, although I still didn’t said the whole truth in fear of being disapproved. I acquired a genuine desire to stop all this sexual senselessness, I but I would still hit the bottom before starting to improve. … I knew it was really bad, I knew I had done a terrible thing and felt horribly guilty, but still like always I couldn’t bring myself to talk it all out and just swallowed the worries and sadness, I think that was the worst, being alone, because then I would continue giving away to my desires as I felt that I wasn’t worthy of God and couldn’t stop. But thanks to Him I kept going to this club and was able to say some of the most important things, like the masturbation and the porn, to the priest and really started to improve, like being able to abstain myself for weeks from falling again. With my turning fourteen and the beginning of a new year (my birthday is in December) I made a strong commitment to stop all type of sexual sin, and it was the turning point in my life. I started feeling a lot better with myself and began to be more active, and although I had relapses sometimes, they were very isolated and didn’t make me feel as if I had lost control again. As I became really close to God and to this catholic group I finally had the courage one day to say the whole truth to the priest. And it was then when I realized the terrible damage I had done not only to others, but to myself. It was really sad to think about it but I had God with me and that made me able to keep moving on. The priest told me it would be better to talk to my parents about it. One day I decided to tell my father after dinner about what I did, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It hit me really hard the turmoil, anguish, fear, and disbelief I saw in his face, he just left for a walk afterwards and didn’t say anything to me. I truly say you really feel the damage porn and sexual addiction leave on you, specially on a day like that one. It was hard to see girls without a second perverse thought, or avoiding some friends because they would talk about sexual things. But I never wanted to leave God or let myself go down again, and really became a better person who practiced sports, went to mass, did good on my grades and tried to set an example. At 16 I started to date a girl for the first time and even though we didn’t started a relationship I felt really good to be a boy who could see a girl right and not have any fantasy about her. At 17 I had my first girlfriend, and started again to have problems when we started kissing, the weeks turned them into long kisses with a bit of passion which I knew God disapproved. But as I had God with me I talked it with the priest and he helped set boundaries, like what I wouldn’t do in front of my mother just don’t do it, and it really helped, but it was still hard. I ended up our relationship after some months as I felt she wasn’t the girl who could make me a better son of God. At 18 I started dating one of my best friends which turned to be really great, we both really wanted to go to heaven. But again I had problems with the kisses and spoke frequently with the priest about how to improve my relationship. It was at this time that I started to realize that this fight against the selfish sexual desires had been still on even when I thought it was long over. Even if it was in a much smaller scale than before, I still had recurring problems with my selfish sexual needs. At 19, the beginning of this year, I moved to Germany for study reasons. We agreed with my girlfriend to really try and be together from afar, and it went well. But being almost alone with no one to watch over what you do affected me. I started to have lots of free time, and sometimes just spend a whole day watching videos or playing, instead of doing sports or reading or something more useful. After two months this abundance of free time really took its toll. I had been reading articles or pages when I had nothing to do which were sometimes not so decent and had sexual hints or that could be enough for a sexual arousal, and although I was able to reject these thought and desires I didn’t do anything to improve my free time. It all ended when one of these days I didn’t reject these desires after reading some inconvenient articles, and just looked for more sexual oriented ones until it escalated and I ended watching porn. It was a really hard blow, I had thrown away at least 4 years of a life where I lived happily without porn and it made me really sad, especially because I immediately felt the damage I made to the relationship with my girlfriend, with God and to myself. I talked with a priest a few days later, talked thoroughly with God, and summoned the courage to share the incident to my girlfriend too, because I felt like a hypocrite when I thought about hiding it to her and then tell her that I love her. It made it clear to me, this episode, that you never get rid of temptations. I assisted almost daily to mass and prayed and still made this mistake. It helped me see that you must always, always fight and let God guide you at every moment, because the slightest of temptations can turn into a big downfall when you don’t reject it in time. I just decided to share my story to show that everyone can defeat their sexual addictions, but never alone and always moving forward. You must seek God first of all, and then seek people that are willing to help you because God most of the time chooses these people to help you through them. You mustn’t be afraid of telling the truth, as I can really speak for “you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free”, I truly believe sincerity plays a huge role against sexual selfishness. A sincere contrition, an effort to seek God, and the courage to speak about it, face it and be able to move on can really make you happy again with your life. So I still fight today and I know at any moment I can fall again, so I really try to be better everyday.
12/11/2013: How I got into pornography is a pretty typical one. It probably started when I was 11 years old and staying up late to watch bikini infomercials. This progressed to late night “soft-core” porn movies. I did this for a few years without thinking much of it, because, well I was only a kid! What did I know? I was a Christian, though since being so young I was a very ignorant Christian, my dad taught me about Jesus at a very young age and I thank him deeply for that. But no one could have prepared me for the “death trap” that is pornography.

I truly believe that pornography is the most dangerous sin of all, because of its apparent innocence. It steals you joy while at the same time convincing you that it is an alright thing to do. There will be no consequences. Which is a lie, as I’m sure you know!

My addiction to soft-core pornography slowly evolved when I discovered the internet. It started innocent enough I guess. It was only pictures I was looking at, at the time. But they were becoming increasingly more hard-core. Then I discovered torrents. I would be up almost all night downloading all kinds of movies. I was probably around 15 when this started, and I think my sleep problems also started at this age as well. I also want to add that it was around this time when I started to feel God really moving in my heart. Before this point, I didn’t have much guilt over my sin, but as God was revealing himself to me it started feel more guilt. But instead of the Holy Spirit conquering my sin, it seemed to have awakened a strong rebellion in my heart. It has been a constant battle ever since.

God did eventually help me gain some small victory over this. When I was maybe 17-18 God delivered me for a little over a year. It felt amazing, I was free! I had no guilt, no shame, and no secrets. The strange thing was how easy it was, I had no struggle. I truly thought that I had beaten this thing once and for all. Its hard for me to explain how it all went wrong, the memory is kind of hazy. I think I just started to backslide a little, I wasn’t praying or reading my bible as much. Then one day I saw an image on the computer which seemed to have awakened desires that I haven’t felt for well over a year. After a couple of days of temptation I caved in…. that was 7 years ago and I am worse off now than I have ever been.

Not only was I back to staying up all night watching pornography. I started getting paying money for it. For the next couple years I would spend hundreds of dollars on subscription sites because “I wanted the good stuff.” This was just the beginning, my tastes were progressively becoming more and more hardcore. I was also spending more and more money. I had gotten deep into this one pay-per view site and probably spent nearly a thousand dollars on that site alone through the course of a year or two. But that’s not even the worst of it. For about a year now I have become deeply addicted to cam sites. I can’t even begin to tell you how much money I’ve spent… it hurts beyond belief. I am in so much debt. I still live with my parents and am trying to save for school, but I somehow feel that this sin is reason I haven’t done much with my life. I’ve had so many hopes and dreams dashed because of this sin.

I believe that God wants me free, this much is certain. But every time I gain a little bit of victory I get dragged back down with so much force that I’m left feeling broken. Had it not been for my faith in Jesus I truly believe I would have killed myself long ago. I’ve felt so much depression it is unbelievable. I feel just evil sometimes. I feel God sometimes reminding me that He has a plan for me, that all this will work together like Paul said in Romans 8. I know that when God finally sets me free He will use me to help others who are affected by this destructive sin. But I don’t want to wait any longer. I am trying to pray more earnestly now, and also to read the word with more seriousness. What I would do to get back to that freedom that I’ve felt! I’m reminded of Hebrews 6:4-6, and it scares me. I know that I have the Holy Spirit and that I am safe in my salvation. But I am afraid that I will never feel that same kind of freedom again. That is why I need prayer.

1/22/2013: I thank you for the time and effort you’ve put into your site and the resources that are there. In addition to what I emailed over last night, I’ve also found the videos and resouces at purepassion.us to be very encouraging. They deal with the spiritual aspect of things, but also the chemical and psychological aspects and are full of testimonies of people who have come out on the other side. It was through the videos on purepassion.us that I was first able to see woman not as objects but as daughters of God… and specifically to realize that most of the woman in the porn I would consume are either trafficked or have “daddy issues”. No woman does porn because she wants to. The money may be appealing and society in general may have worn them down and created an acceptance of a more sexual culture, but most of the girls in porn (especially the foreign ones) are either drugged, abused, and trafficked or they are emotionally scarred by past relationships, abandonment, or abuse. Realizing this hasn’t cured me by any means, but it has helped to see them as unwilling victims… to see them as someone I would feel sorry for and to realize that my own porn issues and sexual addictions could effect my daughters in such a way that they could end up being one of those girls in a video that some other guy is watching. I need freedom not just for myself, but for the protection of my daughters and for the future relationships they will have. One of the many lies of porn is that the girls accept you and won’t say no or reject you. The truth is they are not doing this willingly and in 99.999% of the scenarios if you bumped into the girls at the grocery store she wouldn’t even give you a second look, much less jump into some sexual fantasy with you and would definitely reject you (really… how many 18 year old hot blondes do you know that wants to have hours of sex with some 35-40 year old male they just met).

To give you a bit of background… I can remember being first exposed to pornography around the age of 8 or so. I can remember masturbating for the first time around the age of 14 or 15 to a Victoria’s Secret magazine I stole from my neighbor’s mailbox. I’m going to be 37 years old in a few weeks and will have had a habitual masturbation habit for almost 20 years. I used to use Victoria’s Secret ads or porn stolen from the local convenience store. As I got older the internet access became easier and faster… from dial-up to highspeed internet access and it seems as though the porn became more prevalent and often times free. Being in an IT career, I’m smarter than most when it comes to covering or hiding my tracks and for me the secrecy and coverup was probably greater than for most. So I’ve likely dealt with more deception and secrecy than most… but also have been very prideful as a result of not getting caught most of the time and being more emboldened by my not getting caught. I’ve even circumvented internet based porn filters and not been caught by my accountability partner. I’ve cheated on my wife more than once and attempted to multiple times. My marriage has suffered and my children have suffered. In more recent years I’ve been compared to Bundy or Dahmer and called a “narcisstic sociopath that’s incapable of love”. It was only through finding freedom from porn and sexual addiction that I was able to see clearly on that issue. The world says there’s no hope for narcisstic sociopaths. We are uncurable. Of course, the world and psychologists and psychiatrists don’t typically include the “God factor”. The more I researched and read about narcisstic sociopaths, the more I realized that uncontrolled lust has many of the same traits and results. Lust and love are like oil and water, so where lust is, love cannot be. Lust breeds selfishness and self-centeredness. Lust breeds pride… both in terms of saying “I won’t get caught” and “I know better than God’s Word”, but also in a grandiose sense that says “I’m sexy and I know it ’cause all those girls in the videos want me”. Lust and covering it up breeds lies and deception. When you start looking at the medical diagnosis and traits of a sociopath or a narcisstic sociopath they include traits like lying, delusions of grandeur, arrogance, selfishness, self-centeredness, using people for their own ends, secrecy, manipulation, pride, etc. It was startling to me to compare the traits of a narcisstic sociopath to a person that is bound up by years of uncontrolled lust. But it was also freeing to me to see that what mental science says is uncurable is completely curable by God. As an aside, most sociopaths also abuse animals and can’t hold down a steady job. Those two things never applied to me, but everything else did. Sadly, you only need to hit 80-90% of the traits to be labeled as a sociopath and so many of the other ones fit. The one key thing though is that a true sociopath will never admit he/she has a problem or needs help. I’ve known for years that I had a problem. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop. I knew I needed help, but I never sought out or found the resources for the help. And when I might be successful in my own endeavors for a day or a week or (rarely) a month, I would always fail and then give up and usually binge (masturbating 4-5 times in one day sometimes).

I’m still in the early process of finding healing and living in freedom, but I’m seriously considering working on something akin to “A Narcisstic Sociopath Saved By Grace”. I’m encouraged because I think there are others like me… people the medical/mental community has diagnosed as uncurable. And I think working on it while working out my own freedom through Christ will be a true work of healing. I appreciate your site and its resources tremendously. I’ve gone through Every Man’s Battle. I’ve used the resources at purepassion.us. I’ve seen the books at the bookstore. But I’ve yet to see one that deals with the psychological and/or psychiatric side of things compared to the spiritual… mostly because science doesn’t want to acknowledge God. When you read about Bundy or Dahmer you’ll find that the common downward spiral affected them. Its the same for lust as it is for drugs. What starts with marijuana becomes speed which becomes coke which becomes crack. And what starts with Victoria’s Secret becomes Playboy which becomes hard core (penetration) porn which becomes videos and live streams and then deviant things like transexuals or homosexuality or bestiality which becomes illegal things. But before Bundy or Dahmer killed or raped, they were abused and neglected and they casually looked at porn. The difference between them and me and how far they went. I am grateful to have stopped where I have and not gone any further, though I can totally relate to how some people keep going deeper and deeper.

9/7/2012: One of the problems that I suffer from is performance anxiety as a result of my wife’s addiction. I often feel inadequate and the fear of failure in sex sometimes causes the inability to get an erection. This really upsets her and she often makes things worse by blaming me or saying that I don’t desire her. This pushes her further into her addiction and causes her to reject me. I have recently sent her the link to your site and it would help if it explained the problem that men experience when their wives have the addiction. If I say it, she thinks that I am just blaming her. Please include a section explaining men’s negative affects in a relationship so they too can understand the pain that we are in….

Many of the effects [of a wife’s addiction on a husband] are the same [as a husband’s addiction on a wife] , including feelings of inadequacy and fear that I am not capable of fulfilling my wife’s needs. I am also afraid that she doesn’t really want me sexually. It affects my health profoundly and I am suffering daily with fear and battling depression. I am living in fear that she will cheat on me and she has trouble telling me that she won’t. When I have an episode were I can’t get an erection she say many hurtful things and threatens to get satisfied elsewhere. This in turn increases the frequency of the performance anxiety. …Sex is a intensely mental state and if fear or doubt is involved, arousal is impossible. It is her behavior and word that causes this erectile dysfunction and she refuses to believe that, because it is coming from me and I am just blaming my problem on her. She says that I am not attracted to her and maybe she needs to find someone who is. This is not the case. I am attracted to her, but mentally I am in turmoil and not able to focus on anything but doubt. She also thinks that there are some justifiable circumstances in which she could cheat. I told her that is in never justified and it cannot be allowed to happen.

5/26/2012: Finger-painting and nap time were the innocence of age; the age where eyes first laid sight of those undressed souls. Curiosity ruled, compulsion followed– in years, the soul turned dark. Empty hollow vessel, with nothing but despair– Isolated and demonized by fellow peers. How could this be if such action is glorified? Heart-broken. Confused. Suicidal thoughts. Gorgeous bright light found its way, creating a path through a bottomless-pitch-black abyss. Down I follow through the yellow brick road, nothing short of happiness and fulfilling life. At last, content and alive, never alone.. Never in a thousand years has there been a feeling like this. A touch from the sun, a breath from the wind, a splash from the oceans–at last freedom has come with tears of joy. Storms fly above and the sun is blocked. Heavy rainfall, powerful wind, roars from the beast; afar a cave I see, shelter is provided and brings comfort. How far does this cave go? Into the belly of the beast I go, the fire I carry shrinks thinner and thinner until extinguished. A place too familiar once again. Longing for liberation, I make a stand. Love over lust; peace over envy; freedom over oppression. I long for the feeling of life. Forgive me for I have sinned. Father please free me.. I long of thee.

4/7/2012: I find it incredible how one can make such a realization about sexual immorality. The “darkness” which used to lead me to sin was based on the media’s portrayal of women, the “casual sex” attitude that fills our society and my ignorance of the Bible or moreover my pride in thinking that religion is unimportant and my own desires are paramount and only I know what makes me happy..and yet I would find myself once more in depression, anger, sadness etc. Young people (like myself) do not realize the long term effects of sexual addiction until its too late. I used to think that casual sex was to be celebrated by amount; now I realize that virginity is not to be mocked but rather recognized as a pure and beautiful state for those blessed enough to have stayed in the way God intended. No sex before marriage? I used to laugh. Now I understand. I see the light…a relationship without love creates a hole….the fruit should be ripe and unspoilt….like love. Let us all be healed of our sins, Jesus have mercy…

One of the pertinent “destructive” effects when it comes to casual sex is this: a wife to be is likely to ask how many women have slept with you – a man may want to lie about it but is then likely to feel guilty about not telling their wife the truth. We all make mistakes and some partners will embrace those who have regret but it is best for young people to know that they will not be able to say “I am a virgin” as intended by the bible. They just need to understand that when they lose their virginity they will never have it back. They will never be able to have sex as a virgin if they get a new partner. I don’t think many people actually weigh up the consequences of their actions: I refer to garden of Eden as a pointer – mmmm nice apple…and what was the result? How many young people think about this? Some will regret it and go on to lead great lives but some will get caught in a web of sexual sin. I do not judge people…only God can have final judgment….but I wish that people understood what they were getting into. You may have mentioned the above on your website but I thought I would detail it in case it adds anything.”

3/14/2012: So I just lost my job for looking at pornography at work. Not surprisingly, and indeed providentially, I have almost welcomed this “thief in the night” calamity. It was overdue. I first started with Paul’s porn-free-org site in 2004 around the time it got started and immediately worked through the Freedom Journey I. I did the other studies and began the daily devotions a while later, going year-beginning to year-end at least twice (I’d say, even with the intermittent periods of absenteeism, that this will be the fourth or fifth time I’ve done a March 5 ‘Friendship’ one). Everything Paul has set forth, all of the meticulously constructed and rigid, biblically enhanced aspects of this site are, in my opinion, the Godsend that I needed at the time (04/05ish) to “get free” of sex addiction/pornography/masturbation/deceit/lust/wickedness which have been such a part of my life for the latter half of my 31 years. When I moved into my own house in 05, I intentionally refused to have TV, internet access and any other obvious trigger-points which would inevitably drag me down. I have a laptop from which I watch movies, but I took out the internet memory card and destroyed it. I’d tried the filtered software thing only to find a way to get around it or I’d settle in to watch TV only to be “led away and enticed.” I begged God to free me, to bring me a trial, a brokenness and a desire to be rid of the “sin which so easily entangles” because I knew, and as a learned more and more through Paul’s materials, that sexual sin wasn’t an isolated entity, It was sin against “my own body.” My entire spiritual, emotional and bodily life were being dragged down with what I was doing. I’d done the rationalizing (porn’s not hurting anyone), the compromising (This’ll be the last time) and the deceiving (It can’t be overcome, don’t fight it). I wanted to be free.

Brokenness over a rejection from a girl ultimately gave me the compulsion I needed to get over the top and from about April or May of 2007 to January of ’08, I was free, able to control my eyes/thoughts/actions, speak the truth, break secrecy, feel intimacy with God and generally walk in righteousness. But I knew the sin was still “crouching at my door,” still assaulting my days and nights and that, no matter how I pleaded with God for more compulsion to “fight the good fight,” I was getting closer to the edge. In vain I prayed, did the devotions, redid FJ1, FJ2 and all the others, willed myself toward quiet times, set barriers, appealed to accountability partners and took my thoughts to the obedience to Christ only to fall right back in to fleshly habits when the spiritual necessity, that “love of Christ compels us,” drive simply dissipated away. I’d go to work in the middle of the night under the pretense of actually “working,” and even though our personal computers are filtered, the laptops aren’t, making my lamb-led-to-the-slaughter habits all the more sordid and devious. I have (had) a good boss. She’s certainly not nice, or even polite to most people, but she’ll work with her employees on problems to a point. And so, still not knowing of my habit (server issues i guess), she facilitated my maneuvers and efforts to stop. I secretly did everything I could. I switched desks with a coworker so that my personal computer screen (a filtered, but still volatile trigger) was directly in her line of sight. I had other people check out my material, I spoke to my counselor about it, gave as much money as I could in tithes and gifts (though this was probably more a sneaky way of compromising with God), and I even broke secrecy with some of my small group members (up until then, it had only been with counselors and pastors). But it continued. I kept the habit, quenching the Spirit, heedless of God’s wrath–“I’ll repent later”–and soon descended into full-blown depravity. I started drinking around this time, gluttony (always an issue) returned in force, and my relationships, the ones I had anyway, were saturated with falsehood.

The most dangerous and damning sin is of course pride of life. For me, my own envy, my covetous wrath, my wicked hatred of others, my critical judgment of anyone, and, most of all, my self-absorption amplified itself into a daily monster of sin which ultimately, as it always will, gave way to hardened despair in the end. Self-pity crept in. The lingering thoughts of, “I tried, I really tried, not in the flesh of course, but in prayerful devotion and redeeming brokenness, to resolve the situation and IT JUST DIDN’T WORK ALL THE WAY.”, “I’m meeting obligations to avoid hassle,” or ” Who’s living? I’m just waiting to die.” I’d say to myself, “I’d curse God and die if not for HELL” and even “It’s not my fault . . .” All of this was concealed of course behind the passive countenance. There were good things still, good fellowship with believers, positive reinforcement from faithful friends and God’s hand at work in my finding a new church, but much of the interior was wasting away, still imprisoned by Giant Despair, still self-righteously bitter over the addiction that could never die.

Like practically everyone, I’ve been “diagnosed” with depression, clinically examined by a psychiatrist since the age of 18, and am still all medicated up on the various SSRI’s and whatnot. But let’s be real. Because depression, as a certified medical ailment, certainly ISN’T. The reason for my debilitating moods, weeks, months and years on end devoid of joy, the at times nearly uncontrollable malice, the spiritual poverty, the daily isolation, the resentful seclusion, fear of exposure and shame, the pharisaical scorn of others is and will remain, until Christ comes, SIN. Fallen nature, sins of the father, demonic presences roaming about. Those are the afflictions, the thorns in the flesh, the stumbling blocks and, inevitably, the excuses. I have problems, but in all likelihood, they are problems of having too much; I have been too blessed, too well-provided for. I’ve worked hard, sure, and through God’s mercy and divine grace have been able to achieve some worldly things. I I live alone. I don’t have a girlfriend, never have (lots of rejection/dejection/trigger/root memories anecdotes here which could go on forever). In my prideful mind, I certainly don’t want to be married, even if I obviously “need” to be married. My own troubles are destructive enough and that’s just me thinking about myself (self-righteousness about my perceived selflessness). How disastrous would it be if I were married, my sin contaminating another life, or lives, my wickedness and utterly vile nature establishing even more root sins for further generations? God forbid I should procreate and pawn my weaknesses, my morally crippled character, on to an offspring. I’m plugged in to a good church, have a good small group and faithful friends, individuals placed in my life for God’s purpose. I’ve served in many different (I’ve done ESL classes, groundskeeping and maintenance, AV projects, outreach, the church library, etc.). I have been overly blessed with abundant resources, with proximity to aid and help, with the listening ears of long-suffering friends and neighbors, and with the monetary funds so that I can over tithe and still receive God’s abundance. But it has all come crumbling down; my “shame [has become my] disgrace,” and my “crooked paths [have been] found out.”

11/22/2011: “Hello, I’ve seen your website and it was wonderful to read and see everyone else fight and break their struggles with pornography. I’m hoping that in writing this story that I will help myself come to grips with it myself and hopefully help anyone else in a similar situation. The addiction started at 13 years of age, when I just started masturbating without really knowing what it was. It quickly grew out of hand as I ended up doing it very frequently and looked for different “better” ways to do it. By age 14, I realized I couldn’t really stop doing it. Still not realizing it was a mortal sin or anything, I still felt like it was wrong of me to do this. Then I started looking at pornography and that made my guilt rise sky high, as well as my cravings for the deed. By age 15, I was looking at every kind of lustful thing, and found myself looking at homosexual pornography.

I remember at age 16 when my “Health” teacher even supported masturbation and said it was a good way to relieve stress. By that time I knew she was talking crap, but her words still put doubts in my mind several times. I tried to stop several times, most notably when I was about to be confirmed as a Catholic. I made a plan to quit slowly, and then stop at one point, and hopefully be free from it for at least 2 weeks before my special night. I think I lasted about like two weeks until I lapsed back into my habit. I remember being horrified when I lapsed, and I cried bitterly when the night before my confirmation I felt myself unable to control my body as I masturbated.

Now I am 18, and I still struggle with this daily. I lust after men sometimes, but never out of love. I have feelings of love for women, but I never look at them sexually now. Men are vice versa, which is horrific. Whenever I read the bible, I find it easier to resist, but at the same time whenever I lapse back I read the bible less because it kind of brings me pain to realize my state. I’m sick and tired of telling the lord that I am sorry, and that my actions don’t reflect my words. Whenever i lapse, i don’t feel anything at all. I remember when I used to cry because I failed… now I don’t really feel anything at all.

I want to feel again… I want to have peace. Only by praying to God, Saint Michael, and reading the bible as much as possible do I feel like I have a chance to make something of myself as a soldier of Christ. Please… pray for me, and if any of you have or will have children, don’t be afraid to truly dive into this issue with your child. My parents stayed away from it, and I could never tell them about it, even though I felt like they would still love me. Now I’m on my own, and it’s still difficult. Nothing changed… Thank you for reading this, and I pray for all of us suffering from this soul-breaking sin.”
2/17/2011: “I just read these articles you guys put out, I’ve been addicted to porn for a very long time now..I guess it’s because i had been expose to porn at a young age..I didn’t think it could get as serious as it has now..I cant refrain myself from watching porn, as long as I have access to the Internet I’ll download it, I’m living with a roommate who has a whole load of porn on his laptop and every time I would be using it (studying or anything) I’d want to watch a video and masturbate, I can do it four to five time a day, I end up, not doing anything else. It gets me weak and tired and I just sleep whole day. The feeling is so strong even after reading your article ( which touched me very much) I still had to watch a video, I told myself “just this once”. So i decided to contact you guys to ask for a prayer so that I could get out of this bondage, that I have been struggling with for years. I have great dreams to accomplish I have to be as strong as I can be. I am a Christian, and I want to live a life that pleases GOD”

9/6/2010:
“I am a 53 year old man whose life was ruined by Porn Addiction. I became addicted to porn at a very young age possibly as young as 13. First it was playboy, hustler and that like. At about 15 i discovered a corner store that sold magazines wrapped in plastic. It was for the times hard core posed sexual depictions with out the actual act. I must add the point that I was a very selfless loving child full of innocence but had no real spiritual awareness a empty vessel.

It affected my relationships from the first to the last porn took over my life i became more and more addicted My earliest sexual experience were polluted by the impressions of porn images i had absorbed. Oral sex was my preferred sexual act as i had witnessed so much of this in the porn material. I know any other ex porn addicts know of what i speak.

When i think back all of my significant relationships were destroyed due to my addiction to porn. It would start out fine I would loose interest in porn then over time i would be drawn back to it.

My mind became filled with lustful thoughts I didn’t go more than 5 minutes without a thoughts of sexual acts for decades. I used the thought of more sexual partners and more sex acts as a motivator to become very physically fit to make more money etc.. which at the time worked very well.

Through out these years i tried to quite porn tried to find God and fell away going back to my old ways. I married at 24 to a woman with several boys i brought them up with high morals a good work ethic and so on tried to witness to them about Christ at the time i was going to church reading the Bible witnessing once the youngest was on his own I ended the marriage I
told myself it was because of this and that but in my heart it was because i wanted to pursue more sexual adventures. With each new low i would feel guilt for a while than it would pass I would then get bored of what I was doing and move on to a new low all the time looking respectful and normal to the world.

I committed adultery, visited prostitutes had sexual relations with marred women had sexual relationships with men. So many people i can’t even count viewed every kind of porn filth used pot, alcohol and on and on. The ease to find Porn on the
Internet made accessing the material so easy this make things accelerate also finding sexual partners all to easy.

Something inside of me drew me to type in Is porn evil in Google and up came your site. It witnessed to me in a big way I have renounced porn and all evil works I have given my heart, soul and spirit to Christ for he is the only way a person like me can find peace believe me I have tried most every worldly thing to find peace and happiness IT IS NOT ACCESSIBLE unless one puts there faith and trust in Jesus Christ.

I really do believe we live in the end times that our generation will see Armageddon. I ask you to pray for me I live alone have no one no church at this time so please pray for me in Jesus Christs name.”

8/24/2010 “When I was about 14, I stumbled across a topless picture in the newspaper (in England we have them). From then on, I kept on being spurred on to look at more. I stole some porno mags from the local store (not hardcore, just full nudity). Of course BBS’s where around and then I managed to get hardcore porn. Great, I thought. Then the internet became available. A gateway to free pornography.

The thing about porn is that it is never enough. I keep needing more. Dirtier pictures, more depraved. I moved on to gay and bisexual porn. I moved on to other disgusting fetishes which I will not mention. I bought women’s lingerie and clothes to try on, to be like the images I have seen. I wanted to be one with them. I still look at these sites. I still do these awful things.

I attend church regularly and each time I am there I ask God to forgive me, but yet due to the stubbornness of my own rebellion I go back. I know that unless I break the cycle I will just be driven deeper in to my own sin. I do not believe enough in my heart that God has something better and only trust my own selfishness. It is so simple when I look at it this way, but so hard when I am being tempted.

I have missed promotions. I am less fit and willing than I used to be. I have messed up some of the best relationships of my life. I am turning my back on my creator and his plans for my life. I am rebelling and want to stop. I am burning up in lust. Lust which when I am doing it is deadly sexy end arousing, but afterwards in the cold light of day, disgusting, depraved and deadly. My life is leading to destruction. My sin is leading me to death.

I have tried a number of times to stop, even with devout prayer. But I keep going back. Does that mean God is not all-powerful? Not at all. Does that mean I have no hope? Not at all. So what do I do? I will keep trusting and try more practical steps. After all, training is painful; like climbing a mountain, like training for a marathon- but it can be done and by God’s grace and mercy I will do it. Does that mean it is acceptable to keep going back, hoping God will bring me back? Not at all – How do I know that I will be brought back? By God’s power my sin will be overcome. Praise be to Him who created earth and space. Praise be to Him who created sex and marriage – in their sacred place – for nothing can be beyond Him.”

7/25/2010 “I am a 53-year-old Christian man, and for over 33 years I have had a close relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. The Holy Spirit was a sweet comfort to me and also the Lord lead me by His spirit in every area of my life. But at the same time I also had a problem with harassment from demonic spirits due to an extreme time of rebellion in my life between the ages of 15 and 20. When I was 28 and still a virgin, I decided that the only way I was going to have any sexual satisfaction was to take it by the force of sin since I thought myself too inferior to have a good relationship with a woman. There were a lot of cute Christian girls that wanted to go out with me though. So, there developed a 2-week cycle of sin in my life. I would binge on porn and the Holy Spirit would be quenched. I could feel the demonic spirits enter my mind. Then I would go act on what I saw with a prostitute. I would feel awful after the act and cry out forgiveness. I would get a severe headache also caused by a demon and be like a vegetable for a few days. Eventually around day 10 the Lord would restore my spirit back to Him. We would have that close fellowship again and my spirit would return to normal. Over 25 years this cycle has been repeated about 450 times.

Well about 4 months ago something severe happened in my life. During the usual 2-week cycle of sin, the Holy Spirit did NOT come back! For the past 4 months my life has been almost a living hell. I have been severely attacked by demonic spirits of fear and anxiety. The Holy Spirit is distant and doesn’t speak to me any more. Demonic spirits of death seem to be all around me, and I don’t feel very alive. I don’t enjoy things very much at all. At times I feel like I am living in death, but my spirit gets better towards the end of the day. I also now have chronic fatigue that I got from a hooker in Vancouver, British Columbia. And I have a bowel problem from a disease that I got from a hooker here in Ft. Worth, TX. My spirit has been damaged and my body has been damaged. How will this end? I don’t know, but the worst part is that Jesus isn’t close anymore. The Lord brought me into judgment for this sin, and I don’t know how it’s going to end. I believe the Lord has told me several times that I am still His child and my eternal home is still in heaven. But really I would just rather die right now I am in so much pain. I don’t even know if I can hold down a full time job. I was on the street for a while. My tolerance for things is diminished. A young thug in downtown Ft. Worth came up and blind side punched me in the face a couple months ago. I have lost a little peripheral vision in my left eye, but I hope it will get better. I remember how wonder if was when the Lord was close and everything was blessed. Now my life almost seems to be under a curse although I really don’t think it is–it just feels like it is. Sorry, but I don’t know how this story ends except that there has been a huge price to pay for this habitual sin. It would have been so much better to just have married some cute Christian girl when I was in my late 20s or early 30s–yes even in spite of my problems with the demonic. Well that’s it I guess.”

7/4/2010: “I was the epitome of innocence when I was young up to the age of 13. I grew up feeling rejected at home. I always felt that my parents loved my brother more than me. I felt unwanted and unloved. Sometimes I just felt as if my sheer existence in the house was to merely to fulfill the quota of having two children. My dad never showed much interest in my life as compared to the abundant attention he gave my brother. My brother and I were never close. I was the innocent good boy, who was the subject of ridicule and bully by my brother. When other siblings generally took care of each other in school, my school life was terrorized by my brother, that I sometimes dreaded going to school. I would be frightened and bullied by my brother and his friends. I school, I was called various names by my friends , especially sissy. The only problem was, my innocence was at an extreme level, that I didn’t even know what it meant nor why they were calling me such names. It would not be far fetched to say that I was probably like Adam before eating the fruit of knowledge of good and evil. My early childhood witnessed rejection at home and school. As I got slightly older, I became fat. Even then, I was still innocent that I didn’t know that it was socially “wrong” to be fat. The fact that people including relatives started teasing me, made me feel really fat and ugly, that I spent the following years shying away from people and relatives. I felt so rejected and depressed. The only odd thing that I can never understand was the fact that I was masturbating at an early age of 6 or 7 without even knowing what I was doing. I remember, every night I would be rubbing myself against the bed until a slimy liquid comes out. I never knew what I was doing nor why I was doing it. I was pretty much like that until I was 13. Until that age, I did not know anything about sex. I just thought that when two people sleep together they get babies. When I was 13, my classmates would be talking about sex, but I often felt lost and stayed away from such conversations. I never really had any friends. One day at home, I stumbled upon a tape that belonged to my brother. That day is the one day that I wish I could erase from my life. As I played the tape I saw a naked man and woman together. It was like nothing I have ever seen or imagined. I was confused and disgusted. I felt nauseated for at least a week. That was my first encounter with something called sex. After a week, strangely, out of the disgust, grew an unexplicable liking mounted with curiosity. I watched it again, this time for a longer duration. And that day onwards, I was drawn to the entity called “porn”. The same year, I got a computer with internet. Everything was just a click away. From that year onwards, I learnt a lot about sex and porn. For the first time I masturbated knowingly that I was masturbating, since during my early childhood I did not know what I was doing. I never knew what was meant by homosexuality even during that age. Since I did not have friends, nor was I close to my family. I started using internet chatrooms. Me being so young, clearly did not get anyone’s attention to chat. Strangely, as I explored different chatrooms, I got attention from males and I liked the attention. I felt like I had friends. I felt wanted. That is how I got to know about the word “gay”. Soon I would haunt the gay chatrooms frequently upto wee hours in the morning. Probably, until I was 15 I have never watched gay porn. Through my association with gay men from the chatrooms I was introduced to gay porn. Years passed and porn and masturbation became an addiction. I remember that later, I learnt than porn and masturbation were considered as sins, in my Sunday classes. I was tormented by such great guilt. I would cry out to the lord asking for forgiveness and I would promise to the lord that I would never do such things again. A week would pass, and I would fall into darkness again. This led me to break promises with god. One point I just felt that I was talking the lord’s name in vain and was grieving god, that I decided that I would not ask for forgiveness from god until the day I manage to conquer this addiction. That was the first crack in my relationship with God. 10 years have passed and im still suffering from addiction. At least during the early years I felt that it was a sin, but later , looking at the world treating porn and masturbation like a totally acceptable thing to do, I started to excuse myself. I no longer considered it to be a sin. I just thought that it was nothing more than a bad habit, just like smoking. I realized that the more I try to suppress it, the more I end up doing it. So I just ended up accepting it as a way of life. The crack in my relationship with god progressed into a huge canyon. Due to a series of event that occurred this year, I am once again united with god. I felt that all these years I was a Christian just for the namesake. For the first time, I felt like real Christian and felt the presence of god .I came to my senses. I realized that porn and masturbation were sins and did not please God. Since that day onwards , I have been trying to quit porn and masturbation but to no avail. Every time I fail, I would be really disgusted and ashamed of myself. I would weep and ask for forgiveness from the Lord , but the following days I would end up doing it again. To make things worse, now that I am back to God and I realize the sins, I feel a real spiritual battle between good and evil. I feel as if the devil is trying to bring me back to darkness. I suffered greater temptations and oppressions than ever before in my life. I was tempted to drink alcohol and to do drugs since these are the common elements in porn. Until this day I have not succumbed to alcohol, but there was a day, when the oppression was too great that I sniffed PVC glue. I am not a person who would do or even think of such a thing, but look at me that I have fallen so greatly in a split second. The oppressions were so severe that dirty thoughts would be running in my mind 24/7 no matter how hard I try to stop. I cant think of anything else. Its like the devil is forcing me to think of such thing. I had no choice but to masturbate so that I could sleep peacefully. Until I masturbate, the devil would torment my mind with images of porn and restlessness that I would not be able to sleep until the wee hours of the morning. I tried to get closer to god and the oppressions decreased. Suicidal ideations came out of the horizon for reasons I cant explain. I have no more thoughts of drugs or alcohol, but I am still suffering from porn and masturbation addiction. I have cried up to the last drop of tear to the Lord for help. I even prayed that God would take away my freewill so I will not sin and upset him. God has been the only person who has been there for me all my life and the very fact that im still alive today is because of God. I greatly grieves my soul that I upset God with my wrongdoings. Sometimes I feel I should go away from god, so that I will not upset him anymore. I know that I am a sinner and I don’t even mind going to hell, for I know that im unworthy of God. I know that Christ has died for my sins, but sometimes I feel so unworthy of such great sacrifice that I do not desire heaven. All I ever want, is to make God happy and yet I fail. I grieves my soul. Im sorry father for I have failed you. If only suicide was not a sin, I would have long ended my life. It funny though, that to the eyes of the world and my parents, I am a happy child, but only I know the misery of my soul. So great is your love and mercy to me, but all I ever bring to you is shame and grief. Each day I dread living for I fear falling into more and more sins .Even now Father, I wish you would strike me down, at least I would die in your arms than dying in the filth. Save me o lord from this filth of my soul.”

5/1/2010: One of our visitors recently shared this poem: “I was in 1st grade when someone pushed play. Seared in my memory twenty years later today. Before I knew what it was, it was in my mind. If I could only go back, I would push rewind. From that day forward it had consumed my life. I started collecting like bludgeoning knives. Soon I had access to the World Wide Web. Hours and hours I was spinning in his web. Escape from reality I was caught in addiction. I knew I should stop but I needed a prescription. I never had a discussion about the birds and bees. What is love? It seems so twisted to me. The videos and images only warped my view. Looking for love I’d do anything for you. A lack of understanding only fueled the pain. People are objects, it was painted so plain. Years go by without a needed intervention. So dark and deep I thought I would mention. This is what I’d call a pornography hell. Tortured with insanity, aint life swell? The next one is it, I’ll find what I’m missing. Oh, what a lie. Just keep on wishing. All I ever wanted was a way to stop. Freed from my way, not a stumbling block. I’ve taken the steps with the hand I was dealt. Your are the source, my strength, my help.” – Aggie

8/17/6 “I have a strong faith in God. It is the only thing that has kept me in this relationship. I believe my husband is a Christian in that he believes in God and has accepted Jesus as our savior. However, he does not attend church with us and behaves in many ways that make it clear that Satan is in control of his life. When we were dating and first married the internet was just getting off the ground and so that type of porn was not a problem. During our first few years of marriage we didn’t have internet. I first learned about his addiction to pornography during our first year of marriage when I went to the corner video store to rent a movie. They told me that we had $25 in late fees. I said that we had not rented any movies and they proceeded to tell me exactly what was returned late, several X rated films. This was my first experience with it being a problem in our relationship. I talked to him about it and he said that it was not a big deal and that it wouldn’t happen again. That was 12 years ago and since then the internet has increased his addiction 100 fold. The addiction has led to much deception and pain. We have two beautiful children and he is a major part of their lives. We had dreams of things to come. I have asked him to leave and am feeling crushed. All he said was “fine.” Our life together isn’t even worth him fighting for. I feel total devastation in my life. I am praying and praying and I know and feel God’s presence in my life, but I am still in turmoil. I have loved this man, built a wonderful life with him, he has been everything to me………..I am CRUSHED!! And I don’t even think he really understands why I have asked him to leave.”

5/18/6 “I am writing to tell people how bad porn is. Porn destroys your relationship with God. There are so many times I have looked at porn and I would come to God to ask for forgiveness and then turn around again and look at porn again. One night, I got so into porn that my mind did not care if I went to Hell or anything else. So, I beg you, do your best to do Christ’s will. Satan knows pornography is your weakness, if you look at porn. He will use it against you. I pray that you read your bible and pray to God when Satan tempts you. Jesus loves you!”

11/18/5 “My spouse found God through my relationship with God. For a couple of years he was literally devoted to God and then it just suddenly stopped. He is very open and vulnerable to demonic spirits and he actually told me that he has given himself over to the devil and [that] he is hiding from God. My spouse went from an upstanding chivalry type of man to a “I don’t care about anything” personality type. He has had multiple affairs, a gambling addiction as well as a porn addiction with causes him to be a sexual predator. He has recently found a new way to meet women on the internet. He has found several sex sites which he frequents often and has ran up credit cards on those sites, in addition to frequenting adult sex stores and shops. There is so much more that I could say but I will stop here. This is the reason I thought it was best for me to get my daughter out of the house because I am very concerned about his judgment. He’s too comfortable being self destructive and lacking accountability for all that he does.”

11/9/5 “I’m one of those people that no one would expect to look at sex images online or be addicted to masturbating. I read my Bible, go to church, pray… It’s just that addictions built up overtime. Things were never to be this big of a problem, but I’m feeling this anger, aggression, desire for more, and a split from spirituality. Nothing should have ever come between me and God. Thank you for this ministry, for opening my eyes to why I’m so angry at God. I remember how my body used to be a temple for Christ; now it will be once again. Reach out to those that are beginning. Tell them the affects will come, and they’ll feel as lame as I do now. Lame… for ever sacrificing my standards… and God’s.”

10/10/5 “I discovered my husband’s pornography/sex/lust addiction 8 mo. ago. He is a man in his 50’s and his fixation is on very young teens and little girls. We are in the process of divorce…..which does not solve the problem. From what I have seen of his behaviors, in public, around these minor girls, he is a threat to the community that he lives in. He is very consumed in this dark way of life. He is in total denial—doing the lie, deny and blame game. Our divorce should have been simple and over long ago but for some reason things have not worked out that way (?). This man needs prayer and deliverance. Our community needs protection from him. I need prayer and God’s perfect wisdom in what if anything I should do now. This came as a horrible shock to me. I was devastated! I went to a great counseling program that understands this type of addiction. It has been so very enlighten and healing. I see my husband is in a prison …he is a victim of “much” from his own childhood. He has become a victimizer who hides his darkness behind his ability to quote the Bible and act very righteous. He is involved in a ministry that feeds his compulsions and is producing more victims!…The church has heard from me, and today I learned that my husband’s ex-wife went to the same pastors many years ago with similar disclosures and he is still allowed to be part of ministry and welcome to attend church there. [Though she and myself] have done the Matthew 18 process,…the church [still] harbors him!”

8/28/5 “I have been a Christian since I was a teen…I married a new Christian a year ago who had a long standing porn addiction. I can tell from all those years of porn addiction that making love is selfish and self-centered for him. The thing that bothers me the most is that he never kisses me in bed and is only interested in his own pleasure. It is really never making love. He is distant and does not open up emotionally to me and always closes his eyes. I feel alone. He started porn early in life [in his teen] years. After dating him for [awhile], I talked him into throwing all of his porn away. I watched him dismantle the tapes and throw them in a dumpster. After he became a Christian last [year] he started locking himself in a room with a laptop computer with porn on the internet…My struggle now is with just how porn has destroyed his sexuality and how it affects me and our relationship. He still masturbates in bed and when he does I just get up and sleep elsewhere. I can not take it anymore as I see that it is just selfish and self-serving.”

8/26/5 “I liked the porn very much especially the one where young (18-24) and innocent girls are lurked into making a professional porn movie… I liked to watch how they were abused. I say they abuse them, though the movie is rated as legal and
the girls are old enough, they get paid, have medical treatment, and so on, but before God it’s sexual abuse. It’s not right to persuade someone and lure him into something which they surely didn’t like if they’d know all about it, use them to make money and degrade them and expose their inner parts. This filth was my poison or as a close friend of mine called it, “this is our heroine”. Then one night, while sleeping, I felt that someone was beside me, it was holding me tight and trying to rape me. It was awful. I started crying intensely to God to help me and free me. And something happened for the first time in my life: God was not answering my pleas. I was alone. I was in the power of a strong and evil creature which raped me and God was not there to help me. Never, never in my life I had felt more miserable. This went on for some time, not long, but intensely and eventually the evil spirit vanished, leaving me alone, crying and feeling helpless. It took some time till I recovered and stopped sobbing. It took even more time to recognize what had just happened. I had been raped.

My will had been broken. That’s how a woman must feel, when she is raped, I thought.
In my case it had only been mentally and for a very short period of time (maybe 1 minute) but that was enough for me. I sat down and started to think about the incident. Am I such a bad guy? Why did God not help me? After carefully thinking, I came to realize that it was about my porn consumption because the same evil thing (sexual abuse) in which I had found pleasure was now happening to me. God had allowed this demon to control me for a certain time to show me that my behavior was not correct.

I got out of my bed and destroyed my porn collection. I strongly warn everybody not to indulge in unnatural and abusing hardcore pornography. Do not believe you can get away with nothing because you are just an ordinary consumer. I thought the same. I know that one time you will have to face consequences. The devil will pay you back in the same manner as you have done, watched, and fantasized. That’s the righteousness of God; you will have nobody to blame for except yourself. ”

6/24/5 “I was looking at a porn site, and I found a link. I knew it wasn’t porn, but yet I clicked it. I found this site, and I realized what negative influence it’s had on my life. I can’t remember when I started looking at it; but I know I started at a young age, (I’m only 18) because I saw my dad doing it nearly every night, and figured “it’s ok to do it.” I thought because I was single, that it made it ok. I hadn’t realized how bad my addiction really was. ..I wish my dad knew how bad it really was, before he ruined the relationship with my mom. They just got divorced not even a month ago, but my mom kicked him out in November. Thanks for helping me see the truth, I just hope it’s not too late to enjoy.”

5/26/5 “Before we began our relationship, I was aware of his sexual addiction in his previous marriage – arrest for solicitation of a prostitute, internet sex (both cyber sex and meeting women online for sex only), and pornography. I was stupid enough to think our love would be enough for him. That he would never do any of that with me! Ha! Was I ever wrong. I have caught him engaged in all of the above. The most recent being another arrest for solicitation. I am lost and alone. I have no one to talk to about this. He is very respected in our community, his church, the children’s schools, and with his family. I need someone to talk to. I need help!”

1/17/5 “My husband and I are both Christians, although we have not been active in church for a few years. Recently, our [teen] daughter came to me and said she saw her dad online chatting, and as soon as she walked by, he closed out the conversation. Curious, I installed a spyware program to see what he was doing. I was shocked to see that he was having homosexual conversations with gay men, claiming he was bisexual but needed to be discreet. The program also showed several websites that he had visited, from gay porn to homosexual porn, even incest. I have caught him, in the past, looking at porn and he always assures me “it won’t happen again.” It always does, however. When I confronted him, he admitted that he has always looked at porn and can’t stop. I can’t live with a man who views such filth in our home and on our computer which our children use. I told him to get help or get out, and he replies by bringing up things in my past, as if comparing the two. I am sick of the lies. I am sick of him being late for work because he sat up until 2am looking at filth!”

11/27/4 “Things seem just impossible. Who would imagine that after sharing many years with a man and having had two children, this father, husband and friend would completely forget it all to a point of total excommunication? [My husband] is neither interested nor concerned about our existence and stays over her house (the other woman) more often than at his own apartment. I just wonder if there will ever be a change? Could the Holy Spirit truly enter this cold heart and rid it of the power of the unholy? Can God out -smart the adversary that has taken a hold of [my husband’s] heart and has turned it against his own flesh and blood? I never thought the adversary was this powerful to completely destroy a marriage, a family and a home. But I am only human and I can only rely on God’s holy and divine strength and intervention. It’s our only refuge and hope. “

11/17/4 “I have been addicted to porn for quite some time…many years and although I’m only 19 probably the better half of my life has been addicted. I have called myself a Christian for many years, but realized very recently at last that I had a foot in both worlds and that I was not truly a Christian unless I kicked the habit. It has led to destruction in my life and has allowed depression to set in to a large degree…failure with my addiction.”

9/9/4 “I told my husband before we were married that I wouldn’t marry him if he looked at porn. He told me he didn’t; so I married him. Over the last 3 and a half years, He has lied to me several times by looking at porn on the internet. This last time he was writing to an underage girl about sex. I’m scared and worried and I need help from God to know what to do in this situation. My husband and I went to a counselor once this week, and hopefully will be going again next week. I’m afraid my husband will hurt me again. Even if he does stop looking at porn, I’m afraid I will never trust him again. Our marital problems are affecting my school work, I’m afraid I will not pass my classes because of all of the negative things going on… My husband gets angry and defensive all of the time when I try to talk to him about our marriage situation… If he is going to hurt me again, I don’t want to be married to him anymore.”

4/12/4 “I have always been comfortable in my sexuality. I began looking at pornographic materials around the age of 10 or 11, I am now nearly 23; more than half my life. It grew in stages from simply viewing naked women, to soft porn, to hard core full blown pornography. I viewed magazines, videos, websites, anything I could to get that satisfaction. What I didn’t realize, is that I was using it like a drug, to ease the pain of real life and its issues. Through the years I began experimenting with masturbation and viewing harder porn to keep getting “higher.” After eleven years of increased desensitization, I was on the internet and ended up lusting after “bi-curious”/homosexual porn. For me, this was the worst thing that could’ve ever happened. I felt hopeless, in despair, and lost. I began to have all sorts of negative thoughts. I even began to wonder if I had always been homosexual. This was the biggest lie the devil could have tried to persuade on my warped, perverted mind. If it weren’t for God’s grace, I might’ve believed the lie. The truth behind that night, was that I was already in deep despair beforehand from the life around me, and everything that had been going on. I had no job, felt as though I had no friends, no girlfriend, and my drive for life was completely drained. In the midst of all this pain, I gave in to devil even more than I had already done in the past. Before all this, I had never thought porn or masturbation was a sin, obviously uneducated on the Word of God. What I realized that night, was how far it had taken me, into a hell of my own. Since then, it has been extremely difficult. I have been more confused, and filled with more disgust, guilt, and shame, than I have ever known to exist. I have been on my own journey back to the Lord, and will continue to seek Him, until this lie of the devil is no longer a part of my life. I strongly urge you to seek Him as well, before it’s too late. Pornography, masturbation, and sexual sin in all aspects are evil and works of the devil, don’t let them destroy you. If you give it power, it will take it, ten-fold. Porn is utterly destructive, on the mind, heart and soul. Don’t kid yourself otherwise.”

12/15/3 “This has been a problem that I realize I have struggled with for about half my life. I’m 25 now, and I have seen my habits grow from masturbation to small viewings of pornography, to uncontrollable addictions. I am able to curb my appetite, but weeks and sometimes months later it shows its head and wedges its way back into my life. My social life is suffering, my confidence is suffering, I don’t treat those close to me with as much respect as they deserve. My mind has been fed this filth for too long.”

10/14/3 “I’m a 19 year old male who has been trapped in the clutches of pornography for a little over 2 years now. Little did I know on that day when I literally begged my parents to get the Internet that I would be taking my first steps towards sin and debauchery.

I am sharing my story in hope that I may purge out pornography once and for all. Pornography is so prolific that it manages to seep into your everyday life with ease if you wanted it to. For me, it started with the little things such as “soft-porn”, and before I knew it I was spending many evenings and early mornings locked in my bedroom entertaining this seedy indulgence. Pornography is such a integral part of my life that only very recently did i realise that this demon had imbedded itself into my Heart of Darkness.

Two years down the track, I cannot tell you how much all the facets of my life have suffered due to my addiction. Physically, pornography is extremely draining. Hour upon hour is spent on the computer searching for that perfect picture or website, which in our hearts of hearts knows doesn’t really exist. My studies have suffered to a great extent too, as has my social life which is currently non-existent. Pornography, I have found, is most detrimental to the mind. It conjures up feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness that can hardly be good for anybody’s confidence.

Pornography is like a parasite, draining the goodness and life out of me, slowly but surely turning me into some instrument of decadence that I myself cannot recognize. I only pray that God has mercy on my soul and gives me the strength to break free.”

8/26/3 “This is the 13th month of my marriage as well as my struggle of being the wife of a sex addict. It was painful to find that my husband was a sex addict the day I moved to his apartment. It was like a huge stone weighting my mind since then, I tried to confront him and he admitted it and has tried to stop since then… I still have caught him lots of times [lusting over the porn images], or beautiful women with their tempting appearance every time we go out…his opinion is that to look is just fine, as long as you are not sexually involved. Many times it drove me crazy to find it [the porn]. I felt sometimes that I could hardly bear the pain anymore. I am frustrated and he always accuses me of being brutally jealous every time I remind him to be aware. He even told me many times that my jealousy is going to ruin our marriage. I couldn’t say anything and could only cry. He hates when I cry.

Porn and free sex has been OK with him since he was started puberty. He was sexually active at 14 and didn’t grow up in a religious environment. He’s been around with so many different women in his life who were all unbelievers. Nobody ever introduced him about the love of GOD. He’s Catholic by name, he never really practiced it in his life until he met me who’s always be involve with the church.

GOD knows how I long to see him free from all the bondage of his past sexual sins even though it’s hard for me to forgive his mistakes but I did forgive him now. I love him, he’s my life, and I believe there’s always a hope in Jesus that he’ll be completely healed. I know GOD has open the door of salvation for him and I will stand by him for that. … I just pray every time I have a chance that my husband will be free and cleansed, by the power of the Holy Spirit, and power of Jesus blood.

It seems that the power of darkness still enslaves his mind and doesn’t want to let him go, it doesn’t let him to read all the bible verses or spiritual articles I have given him. It made him lazy, and stopped his reading. I just keep my faith and believe that no matter how little he reads the Holy Spirit will work on him.“

6/12/3 “[my husband] has always had some form of porn in his life since I’ve known him…He has always been able to convince me that ALL men do this and I’m the one with hang ups about sex. Phone sex, internet, and flicks have all been involved. He would admit to it when confronted with evidence and say that he goes thru phases of looking and not looking. I, on numerous occasions have tried to explain how I feel, and it doesn’t do any good. He said he cut back but not stop looking completely. It has only gotten worse as did his drinking. I believe my oldest son knows that his Daddy looks at porn (he has tried to blame him before), and I believe he has now watched flicks with the children at home and him locked in the bedroom. I was completely cussed out when I confronted him. He hardly works, never helps out at home and isn’t any emotional support to me or the children. They think he is mean. I’ve prayed and tried to except this situation for a long time but I can’t hang in there much longer. He doesn’t want to stop… I need prayer on where to turn now. I’m tired of carrying around this dirty little secret and living a lie. My children and I want to be happy, joyous and free.”

5/23/3 “I’m 63 and have been addicted to pornography since I was 13. In 1995 through counseling and prayer I was able to finally get rid of all the magazines, books and videos. …I lived a porn free life from July 1995 until October of last year. Then I got a computer and totally slipped off the wagon. Part of my healing process was simply staying away from places that sold pornographic material and rented adult videos. With a computer in the house the mountain has come to Mohammed. I have never in my life had porn materials of every imaginable kind so readily available. It is all just a mouse click away. I did not purchase this computer with porn in mind. I primarily bought it because it seemed to be a good way to keep in contact with my children who live in another state. And this has indeed has proved to be the case. There are so many wonderful things out there in cyber land. So getting rid of the computer is a last resort. Also a contributing factor to my falling off the wagon is isolation. On January 10, 2000, I became my Mother’s care giver. She had a stroke so I retired from my job to take care of her. I will not go into all the details about caregiver’s burnout but I have been running on empty for some time now. The porn just filled a void in my life. But instead of contributing anything positive it has just made things worse. Now not only am I suffering from burnout I’m also filled with guilt, disappointment, self-doubt and a lot of other personal negative feelings. …I just want to get my life back. I’m tired of looking at and trading porn with other lost souls for up to 10 hours a day. Hopefully your online course (Freedom Journey I) coupled with an online support group will be the key to recovery.”

3/29/3 “I am a minister that 5 years ago was forced to leave the ministry because of my addiction to internet pornography. Subsequently I also lost my marriage. I proceeded to fall deeper into my addiction and them eventually completely left my faith behind me. That was two years ago. In October of 2001, God re-affirmed His call upon my life. I was called to minister, and He would still have me do so, despite my self. I continued to struggle with my addiction. I tried every method I knew to control myself. In November of 2002, I found Sex Addict Anonymous (SAA), a 12 step recovery group for sex addicts. Through this program I am learning to deal with my addiction. As a by-product, and a result that I feel is paramount to my personal recovery, I have learned that I will only be able to successfully minister to others when my own spiritual life is healthy. I discovered your web site when looking for sexual addiction aids on the net. Your daily devotionals have become a very important part of my recovery. It has also helped my fiancé understand my addiction, and opened up the avenues of communication along these lines. I pray that your organization continues its ministry.”

3/4/3”After six years of marriage, I have come to know that my husband has been involved in porn for the past couple of years. He portrays the image of being a Christian (goes to church, reads the bible every day, and journals daily). He got fired from his job for going to porn sites. He lied to me about it. He also continually lusts after women (not just pictures on the internet – but, TV, magazine, friends, next door neighbor, women in crowds). He has been living a secret life and I had no idea. When I first confronted him on these things, he denied it all. Once I showed proof that knew of his actions, he admitted them. I am just sick over all this. I feel like my life has been shattered. I feel so undesirable and unattractive. I know he loves me, but how can this have happened?”

2/7/3 “I’m a 17 year-old set to graduate from high school soon. I’m distressed because I can’t enjoy my final year. Although my anxieties about an advanced load of schoolwork cost me a great deal of sleep and sometimes sanity, what concerns me most is an unrelenting addiction to pornography that has progressively worsened over a two-year period. I have become fully isolated, and find only converse with friends at school, not at home. I can leave the addiction for only one or two weeks, and then am compelled to return to numb thoughts and feelings. It has, most recently, become nothing more than a drug addiction: I view these images to get an unnatural, euphoric “high” in order to suppress depressive thoughts and symptoms of withdrawal. I’ve read so many articles about the price one must pay for an addiction to porn; I see it occurring in me as I write this: my body chemistry and the neural pathways in my brain are being altered, and I’m finding myself more and more dependent on the “fix” from porn, to say nothing of my soul’s dilemma concerning its effects. I was a born-again Christian two years ago… now I feed only myself, and run to depravity on Sundays. I’m running out of ideas really quickly on how to resolve this painful addiction; God works, but with my stressful load, I can only remain His for a small time. I have a number of other problems, but I swear if I could rid myself of this addiction, at least two-thirds of my stress would be effectively reduced. In addition, because of many things, I’m anti-social, and therefore find myself depressed when I’m alone for too long. That’s why I’m so dependent on porn.”

1/2/3 “I’m 17, and I have been masturbating for four years. It started when my friend told me of a free password site for porn. I tried stopping, but the temptation was too great. I kept telling myself I’ll stop tomorrow. I tried gradually going down, and I said to myself, well maybe reading explicit stories isn’t bad. But the fantasies were still in my head. I had to read more and more extreme stories, until I started visiting explicit websites again. I thought I was hopeless. What’s worse follows. I then started looking at gay porn. I know deep inside, God has made me compatible for a woman, and I want a family later on. But the temptation kept growing and growing. I don’t watch porn anymore, but I can’t stop masturbating. Most of the time, I try to justify it, saying there’s nothing wrong with it. But now I know, spiritually and biologically, there IS something wrong.”