This page is written under the assumption that the husband is the sex addict. That’s often the case, but there are female sex addicts too. If you are the husband of a sex addict, the concepts discussed below will apply just the same.
As a spouse of a sex and/or porn addict, you may feel helpless, angry, bitter, hurt, jealous, disgusted, betrayed, violated and many other emotions. Your feelings are justified and there is hope for recovery of your spouse and marriage.
What you can do to help your spouse
Show him love: Love may be the last thing you feel like showing your spouse. We’re not suggesting you make yourself a doormat and allow your husband to continue to violate your marriage with his porn activities. We encourage you to adopt a “tough love” approach with your husband. Tough love involves setting clear boundaries for his behavior at home and consequences for breaking them. Dr. James Dobson wrote a book called “Love Must Be Tough” that is a great resource to review.
Communicate, but don’t condemn: Condemnation is apt to cause your husband to become defensive and angry. Loving confrontation/communication will be more effective than condemnation. It can be challenging to find this delicate balance of tact and truth, but don’t lose hope. It is possible. Have courage to speak frankly with your husband about how his habit is impacting you, the marriage and the family.
Break secrecy: Sex addicts like to keep their habits in the dark. As long as they are not threatened or questioned, they will continue to go deeper into their habits. Wives are often reluctant to tell anyone about their husband’s addiction. Fear of rejection, embarrassment and retaliation may keep them from breaking secrecy and receiving the help that they need. Once they have the courage to confront their fears and break secrecy, the power of fear is broken.
Don’t believe the lies. There are a number of lies that you may be tempted to believe. If you believe them, you can easily fall into depression, despair, suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem and rejection. Some common lies include:
“His addiction is your fault”
“You’re not good enough in bed for him”
“If you act out what he’s seeing in porn, he’ll be happy”
“If you watch porn with him, it will help your sex life”
“If your body looked better, he’d stop looking at porn”
“He doesn’t really love you”
“He’ll never get free”
“Your marriage is over”
“You’ll never be able to trust him again”
Don’t believe those lies! Remind yourself of the truth about those lies, so you can avoid getting dragged into depression and the other negative thoughts.
Don’t visit the porn sites that your husband has visited. It’s like jumping in the lake to save a drowning person when you don’t know how to swim. We’ve heard from many wives who looked at porn to see what their husbands found so exciting. Their minds became polluted as well.
More power is available . . . You are likely to discover that the battle against pornography is more than you can handle on your own. There are evil powers behind pornography that have a foothold in your husband’s eyes and thoughts. We believe that God is the best source of reliable help to defeat this evil. Please consider asking God for help in this situation. God wants to have a personal relationship with you and wants to heal your husband and your marriage. Please visit our Peace with God page to learn more about this.
Other pages you may find interesting:
Why Porn is Bad
Freedom Stories
Author’s Story
How porn works